I call this story “the old lady in my epiphany” because it includes the moment when I finally realized I, a communications coach, had made a significant improvement in my ability to communicate. To explain this, let’s back up a bit… I had been picking fights since about the age of six. It was cute until I turned 15 and started working part time. My first job was at a fabric store, and then I moved to a florist shop. In both cases I had a difficult boss. Not being someone to hold my opinion to myself, I let them know how difficult I thought they were. Picking fights with your boss does not earn you the employee of the month award. Every new job brought another difficult boss. With each new difficult boss I called my sister, Pat and we discussed the situation. Each time she listened with great patience and then said, “Wow, Amy, you have really bad luck!”
Eight jobs, eight difficult bosses and eight sister calls later, I realized that this didn’t have anything to do with luck. It was glaringly obvious that I was the common denominator. I was doing something to spark the undesirable behavior and conflict. I was perpetuating a predatory pattern of interaction. Deciding to meet the challenge head-on, I read books on interpersonal dynamics, tested out different behaviors and even got therapy. I worked hard to transform my interaction style. During this time, in 1995, I moved to the Suisse Romande region of Switzerland to fulfil my dream of living in a French-speaking country. And yes, I encountered my share of difficult bosses here as well.
Excited by what I had learned over the previous 10 years, I decided to coach others to shorten their learning curve and reduce the effects of their own communication mishaps. In 2000 I launched Carroll Communication Coaching. (Yes, my business is focused on helping others improve their communication skills; laugh if you must.) I was putting every effort into building my contacts and circle of influence when a colleague, Judith, invited me to a networking event in the expatriate community. It was exactly the target group I wanted to work with more often. That was when I met Francine.
The event was to kick off at 6pm with snacks and mingling. Judith said she would arrive at 6:30pm. “I’ll probably get there at 6pm,” I told her, ever the keen bean. Well, the day of the event rolled around and I was busy multitasking. I decided to finish one more project and arrive at 6:30pm, the same time as Judith. As I walked into the room, Judith approached me anxiously. “Amy, where have you been? I thought you were going to be here at 6pm! I told Francine you’d be here at 6pm! She’s been waiting for you!” “Who’s Francine?” I asked curiously, having no idea what the problem was. Judith’s hands were balled into fists and her stress level was palpable. “Francine’s this 85-year-old woman who’s not very comfortable in social situations, so I told her you’d spend the first half hour with her! I didn’t hold Judith responsible; she clearly had good intentions. I didn’t feel guilty because I couldn’t have known of this arrangement.Judith said, “Well, come on in anyway, I’ll introduce you to Francine.”
We walked into a room packed with people, and yet it was impossible to miss seeing Francine, a statuesque older woman with a giant beehive hairdo. Two women stood beside her like guards. I approached Francine to introduce myself and held out my hand. Francine shot me a steely look and spoke sharply. “I have been waiting for you for half an hour! Where have you been?” My first thought was, girlfriend… you are messing with the wrong short person! (I’m 4 ft 10½ in/150 cm on avery good hair day.) Let me interrupt this scene to explain to you, dear reader, that I have a lively and entertaining imagination. In my mind, I instantly saw my possible options. Luckily, before I opened my mouth, I realized my ego had been triggered. I quickly reviewed my alternatives. I was tempted to let fly with a ‘Predator’ response: Sweetheart, if you haven’t gotten your act together by the time you’re your age, there’s nothing I can do for you! (accompanied by a swagger, head tilt, lots of eye rolling and a sarcastic smile). I’d been verbally attacked in a social situation by a stranger, so some might argue that this response would have been justified.
The thing was, I didn’t want to be rude to a woman I didn’t know. Equally motivating, the English-speaking community in Switzerland is small and I was new in town. I didn’t want to alienate them by coming across as nasty in front of the other two women. The last thing I wanted to do was damage my reputation before I’d even built it! I briefly considered a ‘Prey’ response. I could go all apologetic and meek. Francine, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to keep you waiting. It will never happen again. Please forgive me. That would be accompanied by lots of anxious movement, skittish eye contact and a bowing head. In addition to my rich imagination, I have an exceptionally strong ego. I can tell you my ego was never going to let me respond like that.
At this point, I was feeling a bit stuck, until suddenly I flashed on a lesson I learned in improvisational theater: For communication to be effective, the power dynamic has to be equal. The way to equalize the power dynamic is to show respect for yourself and for the other person simultaneously. In that moment I was able to coach myself. Keep your body still, hold direct eye contact, put a warm smile on your face and keep your voice calm. I did all those things and then without any sarcasm in my voice (which I’m not sure how I managed), I reached out my hand. “Francine, if I had known you were waiting for me, it would have been a pleasure to spend the time with you. It’s nice to meet you.” I beamed with upbeat and friendly energy. Francine shook my hand and smiled, melting like an ice cream cone in Texas in August. It was amazing! She was absolutely lovely to me for the rest of the evening. This was my moment of epiphany.
I was tempted to peek up at the skies to see if the clouds had parted and the angels were singing. I realized that by being conscious of the Invisible Power Game™ and putting my ego to one side, I could choose different behaviors over my instinctive reaction and get a very different response. That, for me, really was my moment of awakening to the power I have when I’m aware I can choose different behaviors and change the outcome.
It was such a shock to become aware of myself, to see the dynamics at play and to have the ability to instantly shift the status of my relationship. What a huge amount of freedom for all my future interactions with people! Today I use Partner mindset techniques in a wide variety of situations. The level of conflict in my life has reduced dramatically and both my professional life and personal life have benefited significantly.
“The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.” Mark Twain
Amy Carroll – Bio
Amy is a Master Practitioner of NLP, a Professional Certified Coach, member of the International Coach Federation, and has completed the coaching curriculum of CoachU, the foremost coaching institution in the world. She coaches clients to become more dynamic, powerful, and persuasive communicators, developing their ability to influence others by creating powerful partnerships. She does this with the help of the improvisational theatre philosophy to make your partner look good!
Being one of the youngest of seven children taught Amy a lot about communicating for impact! She has coached whole families, MBA students, high-ranking executives, and non-profit leaders around the world. Her extensive client list includes blue chip multinational software and IT companies, world-wide manufacturers of household name brands, international shipping and communications companies, and leading humanitarian organizations. Amy’s book, The Ego Tango, is both a collection of highly entertaining stories and a portable coach. Not only will you personally identify with each story (or know someone in your life who does), you will discover the 7 Partner Mindset Techniques, together with a series of coaching questions to successfully achieve more desirable outcomes in all of your relationships.
No comments:
Post a Comment