Before I was a bully I was a victim. Some terrible things happened to me when I was a young boy and because of this hurt, I developed a bully mentality. I wanted the world to pay the bill for what happened to me as a kid.
I used intimidation as a child to get other children to do what I wanted. They knew I would hit first and ask questions later so they had better do what they were told. At an early age I developed a destructive entitlement to placate the way that I was hurting inside – to justify my need to hurt others when things did not go my way.
Over time, I came to realize the damage I was doing to others and myself. I became aware that I had to find out what was broken inside of me in order to understand what had to be fixed. That is when my search into why some children become bullies and others their victim began.
Today as an adult and a parent I have learned to give my children what my father was unable to give to me, to become their hero. I found ways to give my children the positive and loving messages that were denied to me. I give them guidance to get them on track, and a shoulder to cry on when they are troubled or sad. My children can face the world with confidence and know I am here if they should stumble.
When my son was nine, we were watching a baseball game together on television. As the camera panned over the cheering fans, he asked me why the kids in the stands were so excited. I said that the players are heroes to those kids and I suggested that someday one of those players might be his hero. My son paused and said, “They may be my hero someday, but you will always be my first hero.”
The feats of the heroes I describe will not make the front page of any newspaper. But what headline can equal the love and admiration seen reflected in the eyes of your own child? The message is clear – we are our children’s first heroes, whether we want that responsibility or not.
Today, to pay it forward, I now help parents offer their children the inner strength they need to avoid being targeted by bullies. Here are six key steps which will are important to remember and, from my experience, I believe will be of help to you, your children and your extended family:
1) THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME – If a child doesn’t feel safe talking to his parents or loved ones about his feelings, fears, struggles or sexual orientation, he or she may begin to internalize those feelings and believe they deserve to be punished. There are times your child may tell you something you don’t want to hear but you need to keep all communications open regardless of what they say. If not, your child will suffer from an inner pain and many bullies detect this weakness and target their victims accordingly.
2) BECOME NOSEY – Make it your business to know what your kids are up to. For starters, ask them what’s new and how they’re doing. Know who their friends are, what they enjoy and be sure you monitor the websites they visit. They will most likely resist your intrusion, but when they’re older they’ll realize you’ve done this out of concern and love and they matter to you.
3) LET COMPASSION BE YOUR GUIDE – When your child struggles, try not to overreact. Take a deep breath and deal with it after you’ve calmed down. Remember, consequences are necessary, but make sure that when you administer them, that once again, they know it’s out of concern and love. Let compassions guide what you say and the way you say it.
4) DON’T WRITE THE SCRIPT – Children need guidance, but having unrealistic expectations only serves to push them further away. We all want our children to read the script we wrote on the ways they should act and think. Unfortunately there are times we need to relinquish our need to be right and choose closeness instead. Just listening to them is the best way to get them to listen to you.
5) ALLOW FAILURES – Let your children know that it is ok to make a mistake and that making a mistake doesn’t make them a failure. If we deny our children compassion when they stumble, we negate a part of their humanity. If they lose compassion for themselves they will lose compassion for others. This is one of the key elements in the bully mentality. Many bullies have no compassion for themselves or others.
6) WORK ON YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS – If you are struggling in certain areas of your life, show your children that it’s okay to reach out and ask for help. When you take responsibility for your own shortcomings you are modeling positive behavior for your children. All of us have an inner critic to some extent. That little voice inside our head that doesn’t go away, reminding us of the things we’ve done wrong, never allowing us to celebrate our victories. If we don’t work on our own inner critic we will give this nemesis to our children whether we want to or not.
“And you? When will you begin that long journey into yourself?” Rumi
Thomas Gagliano, MSW – Bio
Along my path to a better life, I’ve had the opportunity to share my experiences and insights with people from all walks of life. About ten years ago, I started to spend less time in the business world and more time helping those who suffered as I had from negative childhood messages.
Through my life experiences and the insights I’ve gained in my journey, I developed certain techniques which I applied to help others. I achieved this by facilitating groups in my house, in schools and churches, free of charge. The people who allowed me to help them are the ones who inspired me to write my book, entitled The Problem Was Me. Also contributing to my book is Dr. Abraham Twerski, a noted psychiatrist and author.
I then went back to school and graduated with an MSW in August of 2011. Now I present myself as a life coach and a key note speaker. The Problem Was Me contains my life story and the story of other men and women who have found a better life through using the techniques in this book, which will bring hope to anyone who is paralyzed by their wounded past. It will also shed light for family and friends who do not understand why certain loved ones reject happiness and help whenever it’s offered. Finally, The Problem Was Me, will provide the readers with a blueprint to give their children the loving and healthy messages that might have been denied to them.
YouTube Video stories about bullying: Six Bullying Prevention Tips for Parents
Website stories about bullying: Author, The Problem Was Me
Email: tom@thomasgagliano.com
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