As I write these words about my life, it is late October 2012. The crimson and golden leaves are tumbling ground-ward as I near an important anniversary, November 11th, which marks one of the key turning points in my seemingly smooth-flowing life.
I invite you to take a journey with me, back to the year 1992. I was living in Homestead, Florida with my husband Michael and our newly adopted 5-year-old son Adam. We had relocated 1200 miles south of our Philadelphia area roots to be near my retired parents and to begin a second regional edition of Visions, a magazine we had started in 1988. Our focus was wellness and spirituality, and we envisioned a life in paradise in which we could swim every day, enjoy the tropical foliage and avoid the perils of Mid-Atlantic winters.
Our son Adam came into our lives that February and a month later, I found myself lying on a stretcher in the local ER, hemorrhaging from a ruptured fallopian tube as the result of an ectopic pregnancy. I hadn’t known I was pregnant at the time and although the risks of dying were apparent, I had a sense of relative calm, almost as if I were outside myself, witnessing the experience.
A few months later, another challenge presented itself. Michael and I had been watching a local news program and one of the segments was about a little boy in the area who was in need of a bone-marrow transplant following a diagnosis of Leukemia. Michael looked at me and said: “How about if we volunteer to become bone marrow donors, on the chance that one of us is a match for this child?” The next day we drove to the Red Cross and went through that process.
In short order, we received a phone call telling us the Michael had tested positive for Hepatitis C, a newly recognized version of the virus that, if unchecked, could lead to cirrhosis or liver cancer. “There are many false positives,” said the woman on the phone. “You should get tested by your primary care doc just to be sure.” A test was re-run and the results sent us into a whirlwind. Michael was confirmed to have the disease and we discovered that he had likely contracted it in the 1970’s when he was on an ambulance squad – back then they did not take the precautions they do today.
We consulted with a friend who is a holistic MD and he described the condition in this graphic manner: “It is like rust that eats away at the structure of a bridge. Although it may be slow, eventually it breaks through.” He advised both mainstream and complimentary medical treatment. The former included Interferon and the latter involved herbs and supplements. The first sent him into a tailspin of side effects and until that point, he was asymptomatic. It presented as chemotherapy, minus the hair loss and like the second variation on the treatment did nothing to halt the disease.
Fast forward another two months and I found myself missing our old stomping grounds and the near-by support of friends. We had just purchased our new home and had no equity in it; we couldn’t afford to sell it and relocate once again. I mused about being able to move back north. This was clearly one of those ‘be careful what you wish for’ situations, thinking I should have been careful to clarify “clean, neat, easy and safe way”!
On August 24, 1992, a tropical depression morphed into a full-blown storm, one of the most intense and damaging ever seen. Hurricane Andrew made landfall and we were at Ground Zero, next to the Homestead Naval Airbase. Our house became uninhabitable and within six months, my wish was granted and another turning point transplanted us back to beautiful Bucks County, Pennsylvania.
With that came yet another shift as Michael’s condition worsened and he found himself spending more time in hospital beds. We jokingly expressed that he had “racked up frequent flyer miles” each time we passed through the Emergency Room doors. This continued for another five years and in the interim, Michael was placed on the UNOS list to receive a liver transplant, since his was rapidly giving up the ghost. He wryly said that the only way he would be #1 on the list, was when he was “flat on my back in the ICU on a ventilator.”
Michael’s words were prophetic when on November 11th, 1998, he entered the hospital one final time in a coma. Before a transplant could take place, 5-½ weeks later Michael exited this life with one last ventilator assisted breath. With that culminating exhale, he let go of this corporeal existence. In an instant, that turning point, I was transformed from wife, caregiver and business partner, to 40-year-old widow and single parent of an 11-year-old son to support on my own.
Surrealistic is the best word to describe what I was feeling. Exhausted beyond belief, but having the tremendous gift of the ‘Three F’s’ – Faith, Family and Friends, I was sustained and encouraged during and through that time of loss and grief.
My life has truly been transformed. In the distant past I practiced ‘savior behavior’ and was a co-dependent caregiver who thought she could heal, save, cure and fix the world. Today, when I look into the mirror, I see an incredibly resilient woman who has not only survived, but has also flourished.
I have evolved into a seasoned woman who has become a freelance journalist, motivational speaker, author, ordained interfaith minister, and a bereavement counselor. My intent is to assist others in moving beyond their own pain, loss and grief into an extraordinary life.
As I reflect upon the turning points in my life, these precious words from poet Mary Oliver come to mind…
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
“One day you finally knew what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you kept shouting their bad advice–
though the whole house began to tremble
and you felt the old tug at your ankles.
Mend my life! each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do, though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers at the very foundations,
though their melancholy was terrible.
It was already late enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen branches and stones.
But little by little, as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice which you slowly
recognized as your own, that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper into the world,
determined to do the only thing you could do–
determined to save the only life you could save.”
Bio – Edie Weinstein
Rev. Edie Weinstein, MSW is a graduate of the New Seminary in New York City, Reiki Master and an ordained Interfaith Minister assigned to the staff of The Interfaith Temple. She earned a Bachelor of Arts Degree in Psychology from Glassboro State College (now Rowan University) in 1981 and a Master of Social Work Degree from Rutgers University in 1985. Since that time, she has worked with individuals, couples and families facing life challenges.
Edie is also an internationally recognized, colorfully creative journalist, interviewer and author, and a sought-after inspirational speaker. Her first best selling book entitled The Bliss Mistress Guide To Transforming the Ordinary Into The Extraordinary.
In 1988, along with her husband Michael, Edie co-founded Visions Magazine, a monthly publication focusing on alternative health, psychology & spirituality. She has interviewed such notables as Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, Grover Washington, Jr., Olympia Dukakis, Ben & Jerry, Patch Adams, Shirley MacLaine, Kenny Loggins and Dennis Weaver. Over the years, Edie has written for many mainstream and transformational publications.
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